210528 What I learned in my studies this morning

Blue bell, blue bell

Melancholy play

Blue knell, blue knell 

At the break of day.

Do tell, do tell

A dark and doleful lay. 

Blue bell, blue bell 

Melancholy play.*

From The Daily Stoic: 

A common theme I try to use is to make sure I act in my daily life instead of react.  Acting is making sure I pause and consider my next step before I do anything.  Reacting is using emotion or a misguided sense of urgency to respond immediately without thinking through the repercussions.

By acting instead of reacting, it helps me stay calm and helps ensures my next move serves my purpose. 

Instead of "just do something" it becomes "do the right something."

Today's Meditation:

From A Calendar of Wisdom by Leo Tolstoy 

From A Guide to the Good Life by William B. Irvine 

Chapter 11: Insults — On Putting Up with Put-Downs

A few final tips on dealing with insulting interlocutors:

• Use humor to deflect the ire.  This ties in well to the note about responding to "yo mama" jokes as a kid that I made a few days ago. By responding with humor, we are more likely to both take the sting out of anything they said, but also more likely to leave them lacking both the satisfaction of seeing us get angry and the material they need to continue their assault.
  
  
• Respond with indifference.  If someone insults you and you just pause, look at them, and continue with what you were doing, you are indicating that their actions are childish and not worth your attention.  Just as small dog yipping around your ankles is no threat, these clowns are not worth responding to.
  
  
• Admonish to correct, not punish.  Sometimes they don't get it and continue despite any tactic we may use to diffuse the situation.  Maybe they get angry and want to escalate things.  Maybe we're in a position (e.g. teacher in a classroom) where not responding is unwise.  Whatever the case, we must remember that we should be trying to correct their behavior rather than punish the person.
  
  They are likely acting out of a misunderstanding. Maybe they misunderstand our motives. Maybe they misunderstood what we said and it's a communications issue. Maybe they are having a bad day and we just happen to be the next available target. Regardless of the cause, if we approach it as a teachable moment, we are more likely to achieve our goal or stopping the behavior than if we go straight to punishment mode.
  
  Punishment may become necessary but, if so, make it a deliberate and measured action rather than a reaction.

One last note before we leave this chapter: the idea of stifling speech to protect some person or group (i.e. "political correctness"). 

Epictetus, who was both handicapped and a slave, could claim as well as anyone that he should be protected against people who would denigrate him based on his situation in life.  The problem is that this leaves the disadvantaged group helpless: they are taught that it is someone else's responsibility to protect their feelings and to ensure they live a peaceful life.

What's the first rule of Stoicism?  "Know what is up to us and what is not up to us."

If we teach people, any people, that they are not responsible for their own mental states, we are leaving them at the mercy of "things that are not up to them."

Better to teach them how to respond, as Irvine does in this wonderful little chapter, than to teach them that the correct response is contrary to the basis of Stoic thoughts about how to live the best life.  Planning on finding happiness when you leave your happiness and serenity up to "things not in our control" will lead only to dissatisfaction and woe.

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* fragmented memory of an old poem by a college friend