260521 What I learned in my studies this morning 6

Today's Meditation(s):

He'd have been 17, but I gave him back 14 years ago.

This is an indifferent to Stoics.

But that's a technical term.

It's not I don't — or am not allowed to— care that he's dead.

It's not it doesn't hurt.

It's not this isn't important.

It's keeping myself within rational bounds in my grief.

It's acknowledging, without surrending to, my mourning.

It's living with it and continuing, if only for my family in those times when I feel maybe my personal existence isn't worth the ticket

It's feeling I failed to give my other kids what they deserved (they should have their brother) and this robbed them of so many, so many better, lives.

So here I am.

And there he is. There he was.