260729 What I learned in my studies this morning 6

Today's Meditation(s):

My partner gets the benefit of the doubt.

If there's more than one way to interpret something, especially an emotional something, and one way of looking at it assumes that whatever happened was innocent — an accident, a mistake, an overreaction — rather than malfeasance, then I must accept that version unless proven otherwise.

It's a foundational premise on which my spouse and I built our relationship and it has forestalled many a dispute between us.

And yesterday I failed to do that.

One of the Stoics great points was to insert some time before we act. In Frankl's words, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

In Haidt's metaphor, it allows time for the elephant to be thwarted, to be turned back to the rational path by the rider.

And, in the 10 minutes I had between a phone call and meeting in person, I failed both of these tests.

I stewed. I soaked. I reveled in the righteous mad I going. Because damnit I was RIGHT and she was not. I was so justified in my mad and I was gonna get the most out of this tantrum, damnit.

And when she arrived, I simply explained that I was right. Right?

I yelled. I fumed. I treated the woman I love more than anyone else worse than I would an angry dog.

This is not what she deserves.

This is not who I want to be.

Worse, as is always the case when looking back, the reason I was mad was stupid, inconsequential. There was nothing there to be mad at in the first place.