210531 What I learned in my studies this morning

More on grief today. 

A subject near to my heart. 

Treated day-by-day. 

From The Daily Stoic: 

It's the answer to "Why bother to do all of this?" It's simple, yet difficult. Impetus to continue my reading and studying and practicing. 

Everything to be a better person. A better husband. A better father. A better son. A better brother. A better friend. 

Today's Meditation:

From A Calendar of Wisdom by Leo Tolstoy 

From A Guide to the Good Life by William B. Irvine 

Chapter 12: Grief — On Vanquishing Tears with Reason

Comforting someone should not be the same as experiencing their pain as your own.  We can be empathetic and understanding. We can offer succor and provide strength. We can do all the things we should do to help our heartbroken friend without breaking our own heart in the process. 

Grief is natural and cathartic. It helps us process the loss we have experienced. To pretend it doesn't exist, or has zero value is contrary to nature.

Some early Stoics seemed to advise just that: emotion is an internal response to something outside of us and therefore is 100% under our control. That being the case, we can and should choose to minimize them, especially the negative ones such as grief and anger. Minimize to the point of extinction.

Senaca, and other latter Stoics, took a more common sense approach to strong emotions. Sometimes they well up, unbidden and undesired, in ways we cannot control. Like adrenaline dumping into our system, these sudden emotions causes physical and mental changes in us regardless of what we desire.

In these situations, the proper course is to weather the storm and minimize the damage and dangers to ourselves and others.

As soon as we can, we must begin reining in the wild abandon of these excessive feelings. Tamp it down. Temper it with reason, as reason returns to us.

Shifting to Farnsworth's The Practicing Stoic, the Stoics offer a few words about the value of grief.

Reason allows us to understand and examine both the effects of, and the causes leading to, our grief. As part of this realization, we can put ourselves into the mindset of s/he for whom we grieve.

Would he want us to wail and gnash our teeth? Would she expect us to rend our garments and writhe on the floor in mental agony?

Unless they were serious narcissists, the answer is undoubtedly no. (And if they were as vain and selfish as to truly want this, their judgment is so faulty we should not trust it nor follow its advice.)

For instance, were I to die, I know it would hurt my family and friends. I know they would grieve. I also know I would be saddened were they to not recover. If my passing destroyed their life, and I somehow knew about it, I would be heartbroken myself to think I had caused them so much pain.

Wouldn't we all wish for our loved ones to recover gracefully from missing us and to find a happy life again? Would we sincerely hope they remembered us fondly but went on to live their lives in a joyful and successful way?

Then why would we force (or allow) ourselves to be permanently damaged by the loss of someone who would never wish, would actively object and oppose, such a response in us?