210620 What I learned in my studies this morning

Father's Day is here. 

Morning visit to grandpa 

Makes the kids happy. 

Daily Stoic:

Be the calm within the storm. 

Keeping my cool during stressful situations isn't easy. I have a natural tendency to want to react quickly, but that impulse can be resisted. 

The calmer I remain, the calmer those around me will remain as things go sideways. 

Calm is contagious. 

Today's Meditation:

From Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

Viktor is channeling the Stoics here, reminding us that no matter how bad the situation, no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in which restrict us and threaten us and force us to bend to the will of others, we are always free to choose our judgment and our attitude. 

From A Guide to the Good Life by William B. Irvine:

Chapter 19: On Becoming a Stoic — Start Now and Prepare to be Mocked

Another modern criticism of Stoic thought is that their advice about dealing with grief is unhealthy and wrong-headed.

Stoics acknowledge that grief can be unavoidable. Sudden waves of grief can overwhelm us and these unconditioned responses are things that are not "up to us."

Ok. So?  Millenia of humans have survived grief by their own merits, without the "benefit" of modern counseling techniques. Something within us is naturally capable of processing these feelings. 

If you are overwhelmed by a real-world wave at the beach, which makes more sense? 

1) Adapt to the situation, find an escape, work until you are free from the overwhelming water, and make for safer ground, or

2) pause and reflect on your position, ask someone for advice, think through what they say and express your frustration that this has happened to you, drown.

Grief happens. I know this. When it happened to me, I was devastated. I wanted to not be. I wanted to stop existing. 

After, I was forced to attend grief counseling. I went to the sessions. I did what I was instructed to do. This approach was exactly wrong for me. I was made more miserable because of it. Had I known about Stoicism then, I would have been better off. 

Understanding that the initial flood of grief is survivable if I can just hold on and get past the deluge, would have been a godsend for me. 

Knowing that, after I worked through the pain, I could help myself both survive and recover by redirecting my thoughts on the loss away from blame and the "performative grief" so popular in our culture.

"I lost someone. It hurts. But it will not be like this forever. They wouldn't want me to be sad forever. Forever is a fear that need not come true. 

I can recover better through Stoic introspection and pattern interruption than I can through the answers offered by the Grief Industry."