230521 What I learned in my studies this morning 3

Thoughts:

He would have been 14 today, my sweet boy.

When we lost him, I cried and cried and went numb. I was lost for days. Things happened. I don't know what. It was all one, interminable thing: my son was dead and my world was changed.

And because of my personal grief, I was not there as well as I should have been for my wife and my other children. I was not able to give them the support they needed in those early days because I gave up and allowed myself to wallow.

I was not a Stoic, then, though I'm not sure how much of a difference it would have made. I most assuredly wasn't, and still am not, a Sage.

I think I get what Epictetus is saying. It seems to me that he's talking about the long(-er) run. He's not saying you would have no emotions — emotions happen, fighting them is a fool's errand. He's saying choose a better path than the chronic wailing and gnashing of teeth. The type of reaction which seems performance.

He's saying that we should deal with the initial perception, the unbidden yet immediate overwhelming wave of grief, and then do our best to accept reality. No amount of wishing changes it. No amount of prayer. No amount of weeping and rending of clothes. No amount of wearing sackcloth and enervation.

My son is gone. That is real.

The world spins on. That is real.

I have family who still need me. That is real.

I have living children who deserve all of my love and attention today. Today and every day, without waiting for another. Because there may not be other days. This is real. 

Today's Meditation:

Today's Meditation II:

Today's Meditation III: