240120 What I learned in my studies this morning 4

A night out they would
Remember a Very. Long. Time.

Just jump to the left....

Today's Meditation(s):

I need to fix my priorities, reset my inner dials to be content without my crutches.

When I go out, when I stay home, when I'm not at work, I have a tendency to seek escape. It seems that the normal, unaltered world is not enough and I can't really enjoy life without adjusting my perception.

Seneca's admonition that we will be unhappy on vacation if we're unsatisfied at home rings true for me. I'm still in the denial phase and need to get tired of my bullshit before I can get down to serious work.

I just wish I found it as easy as some. Just flip a switch and — poof! — it's all different now.

Yes I've done that before. Yes, I know I can do it again. But every time I've pulled it off, it was exactly because I'd hit that sub-basement of intense dissatisfaction which let me springboard onto my new path. It's never happened without that nadir.

Currently, I blame it on stress (and not without reason). But, as with all vices, it's still a choice. I still have the chance to resist, to say no and refuse the crutch. Too often don't.

So when will I find the will to make my life better?