240220 What I learned in my studies this morning 4

Today's Meditation(s):

14 years, 8 months and 25 days. 5,383 days. That's how old my son would be today. Instead, I returned him 11 years ago.

I always take this day off work. I'm just not up for dealing with picayune things today. All I want to do is curl into a ball and disappear within myself, tighter and tighter until I implode.

But it never works out that way.

Instead of wallowing in bed, I'm at the dentist getting a tooth fixed. Later, other things will impinge, preventing my chosen penance. Perhaps I can use this pain as a bit of self-flagellation....

I'll go visit him in a little while, after my dentist completes his treatments. Picking up a burger and fries to share with him at his grave.

I'll talk for a while. He won't respond.

I'll go home. He'll stay there. Still.

It's a continuum, thinking of who he was vs who he would be.

I'll think about what he'd be like. Would he play Ultimate with his little brother and me? Would he be an artist? A scientist? An athlete? A philosopher?

I imagine all sorts of pleasing fantasies of what his personality would be like and where his interests would lie.

I'll wish I were there and he here. But that's not good either, abandoning the rest of my family for the sake of the one. Is it better that my wife and children lose their spouse and father if they regain a son and brother?

And then my mind rebels, short circuiting until I can't think anything straight. It's all a jumble, sparks flashing in my head, preventing clear thought. That's where I am now.