240622 What I learned in my studies this morning 4

Today's Meditation(s):

Discourses, 3.8.5-6 (Waterfield)

I sometimes find it hard not to catastrophize events. Strangely, I seem more able to avoid unnecessary burdens on impressions when they apply to me, specifically: my sympathy reflex is stronger for others than for my own loss.

I feel worse when I see family or friends in pain than when I experience it myself.

And I still fret sometimes when I display my true feelings after loss that others will find me heard-hearted or uncaring. That I didn't show much emotion when my father died seems to have surprised many people.

Perhaps they thought I was being (small s) stoic, stiff upper lip and all that; stuffing down my feelings so that they didn't peak through the curtains and reveal what was really going on inside.

But I truly did not feel a loss when he passed. It was a relief, given his physical and mental states. He was 'living' a life he would have hated and, had he a moment of pure clarity and permission from his faith, I am confident he would have chosen to walk out the door in an instant.

I don't feel anything negative about my reaction to losing my dad, but I fear most people would not understand my lack of affect.

(Not that I was completely unaffected — I noticed my patience evaporate and my temper rise all too often in the aftermath — but sadness was never part of what I felt.)