250712 What I learned in my studies this morning 5

Today's Meditation(s):

I try to live my Stoic life in a way which can be an example for my kids.  One thing I show them is the need to apologize and make amends when we do wrong.

I want them to see that I am not perfect and how I react when I realize I screw up.

The problems we discuss each week in Book Club? I have trouble with them, too, sometimes. It's fine. Bear and forbear.

I have intrusive or vicious thoughts that I must put aside. My mind is nowhere near where I wish it were. Persist and resist.

I struggle to be better than I was before. Keep it up. Keep going.

All of these are things they need to know because they will fall of the virtuous path in life sometimes . . . just as I do. Just as we all do.

It's normal and it's not a problem . . . unless they refuse to make it better.

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A Note to My Family 1

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Saturday night, mom and I got home from our friend's house after 11. Shortly after we walked in, Child1 comes downstairs, not in his pajamas.

What I should have thought: "Hey, my normally responsible children have left something odd going on here and I should ask them what's happening because this is not how it is supposed to be."

What went through my mind: "Why the hell is Child1 still in daytime clothes? Damnit, he hasn't even taken a shower yet and it's past 11. All I want to do is go to sleep and now I have to deal with this crap."

From something unexpected happening, I told myself a story which added supposition upon supposition until I had a neat and tidy fairy tale which justified my ire.

If I had simply accepted the reality of the situation, I would have had plenty of time to discover, as Child2 told me later, that Child1 had taken a shower but his pajamas got wet. They were in the dryer, the strawberry milk was made, and the bedtime process was proceeding as planned, if delayed.

If we'd come home 15 minutes later, we would never have known.

As it was, I controlled myself and got beyond the narrative my mind had provided, but that story had been insidious: popping up automatically, without warning or fanfare but with certainty and conviction behind it.*

Without training, it would have been easy to let it boil up and control me, causing unnecessary trouble and hurt feelings when the truth was, as usual, much simpler and more innocent that what my impulses lead me to believe.

Watch for your stories. Learn from them. Be better.

I love you.

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* Note: there is nothing wrong with having the narrative create itself within you. There is no shame in it happening. There is shame is letting it own you, in letting it control you as if you were a marionette, with no will or purpose of your own.