In a foreign land, In an open field, Standing on a beach, On a moving train , I met An old, old man who was insane. Thoughts: No matter where you go, there you are. I've got a Big Vacation coming up next year. One of the things I'm trying hard to settle before we get there is to be happy enough in my life that I can enjoy the trip instead of worrying about every little thing.  I don't want to bring along a harried self who cannot enjoy spending a long vacation with my wife in a wondrous locale. I've made good progress in the last few years. Here's hoping another year or so will make me better at sorting what is up to me and what is not up to me, at following the path of Nature, at acting instead of re acting, at using wisdom, justice, courage, and temperance to guide my actions.  Today's Meditation: Today's Meditation II: "It may be hard to imagine right now, when they are small and vulnerable, but there will be a last time for every moment...

"I'd advise against it." Where was I? Oh. MRI. Waiting for results. Thoughts: My dad is in the hospital. Again. Been an experience. Again.  Frustrating for everyone. My dad, my mom, my sister, my brother, me, the hospital staff . . . everyone. Dad is in his 80s.  Been slowly going downhill for the past few years. So much trouble with his health.  So many issues. And they stack and interact and complicate each other so everybody gets confused. I've thought about asking him if he's thought about dying. I'd be shocked if he hasn't. The question I have though is what has he thought about it. Does it scare him? Does he worry about what comes next? Or about my mom being left behind? Or his children (grown) and grandchildren? Or his legacy? All? None? Something else? Has he studied ways of dealing with this primal fear or is he winging it? He's a devout believer, so I expect and hope he is helped by that. I pray that it comforts him. Perhaps I can have that...

An ancient evil Sits about the world, judging. Man serving sinning. An ancient goodness Sits inside his head, judging. Man serving reason. Thoughts: Impulses or directed action? Do I jump at the first reaction that comes unbidden, unexamined, untested to mind? "Hi ho let's follow and see what happens!"? Yeah. No. But it's hard not to. It's not easy to push away what I instinctively want to do. Punching that stupid driver in the face. Telling the bosses at work to shove it up their ass. Yelling at my kid for doing something that annoys me.  I experience these sudden urges on the regular. No matter how many times they lead to trouble when obeyed or how many times ignoring them lead to a more peaceful, positive outcome, I still feel them first and most powerfully. I need to write a mental script which processes these feelings in the background so I can just start at step 2. Today's Meditation: Today's Meditation II: Today's M...

Sounding sonder in Yonder pounding cliffsfaces Of sea's frustrations. Thoughts: Do they think they're NPCs? Should we update Kant? "Treat everyone as a protagonist, not as a nonplayer character"? There's even a sub, r/maincharactersyndrome  . . . .  Sonder . : n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk. Today's Meditation: Today's Meditation II:

Mental slips causing  Cascades of trying troubles. Get it together. Thoughts: “I must not [assent]. [Assent] is the mind-killer. [Assent] is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my [impression]. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the [impression] has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” ~ [adapted from] Frank Herbert, Dune I often think of the original version of this quote when I manage to stop myself from assenting to a first impression, impulse, or emotion.  When I successfully prevent myself from giving in to a sudden rage or shame or lust or fear, and I make myself pause and reflect before judging what to do next, this is what I have in mind. Then I can face the situation with clarity and purpose.  I can choose how I act rather than re acting out of instinct.  If my impulse and my considered opinion are the same, that's fine. The point is...

Raucus thinking of Mother Night and Father Day, The whole spinning world. Thoughts: Piano. Fortissimo. Sit in the silence of knowing I know so little or shout my ignorance from the mountain tops? I'm usually laconic in person. Yeah, I sometimes get long-winded in these posts, but unless you're a friend I've known for years or you got me talking about a favorite subject, chances are I don't say much unless it seems particularly on point. This is more from my introvert tendencies than any innate wisdom. Today's Meditation: Today's Meditation II:

She thinks you've got things. She thinks you have the answers  She thinks you are neat. Thoughts: Often, my-ku are the products of things I hear. A phrase or a lyric or a snatch of dialogue from a show or event. Something floating around which my mind grabs hold of and uses as the crystal on which the other words accrete. Today it was something I said to my kid. The cat was walking toward him and I said, "She thinks you've got something (good to eat)." I enjoy threading things like that into my blog posts. It connects me to my world and, when I reread the bit later on, down the road, I sometimes remember what snatch of conversation or overheard speech lies at the heart of the passage or poem and that makes it all the better. Today's Meditation: Today's Meditation II:

Waiting for the drop, The shoe's on the other foot. Full speed ahead! Go! Thoughts: No, I don't know what the haiku means either.....  "My happiness does not depend on this." What a great phrase. What a simple reminder that my happiness, my satisfaction, my fulfillment, are all internal.  The thing itself is neither good nor bad save for my judgment of it. Don't I have emotions? Don't I become overwhelmed by sudden surges of anger or anxiety or grief? Most certainly.  But, as far as I am able, I refuse to consent to these impressions. I refuse to wallow and remain within them. Rather, I accept them, let them pass through me, pass over me, leaving me perhaps altered but still here, still functioning, still striving. My experiences change me, but they are not me. I mold them even as they mold me.  Today's Meditation: Today's Meditation III: Today's Meditation III: Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman, The Daily Stoic 230221 Today's Meditation IV: ...

Gone gone gone. It's gone. Pulse and pant, sliding, slipping. Rapid, thin, but there. Thoughts: It was a good weekend, but today was hell to stay awake. Head bobbin' all day long. I owe myself one hell of an entry tomorrow to make up for the lack of quality lately.  That said, goodnight.  Today's Meditation: Today's Meditation II: Today's Meditation III:

A new doorway, a Red number two to one, a Dream skies diffuse fog. Thoughts: No one does wrong on purpose. They think they're right, but they're wrong about that. Keep this in mind. Today's Meditation: Today's Meditation II: Today's Meditation III:

Still morning broken, Cries of "Up! Up! Up! Nice D!" Now? Mexican food! Thoughts: I'm very good at my job. Yet, I often look at my friend who is a skilled tradesman — he can do just about anything around a house or job site; design, planning, framing, electrical, plumbing, drywall, roofing, you name it — and wish I had his skills. My skills work well in this world. His are necessary in any world. It hasn't yet gotten me off my ass to learn the sort of things he knows, but it keeps pushing me that way.  It's never been my skill set though. (I can almost find the wrong end of the hammer and that's about it.) Today's Meditation: Today's Meditation II: Today's Meditation III:

Morning reflection? It's been so long, I forgot. It's so refreshing! Thoughts: I've been doing most of my reflection at night for a while now, despite what my blog title suggests. I just haven't been up early enough to do my reading before work or other activities. So they lie fallow until evening when I am sometimes to tired to think. The last two days are good examples. So let's get into something I began last night: evil impulses. I have bad thoughts. Often. Not about those I know personally, but about people who do harm to others and to my community.  My mind wanders into scenarios where these people are hurt, physically hurt, to make them understand just how much their actions are fucking things up.  How much what they've done hurts not only their victims, but everyone.  And these brief fantasies sometimes get dark . And I hate it.  I find myself thinking these things, imagining them in detail, and it disgusts me.  Just because someone acts in a way I wis...

Fought with others' lives, War for The Powers That Be. Pig-fucking bastards. Thoughts I have bad thoughts. Often. Not about those I know personally, but about those who do so such harm to my community. That'll be a story for tomorrow. Fatigue o'ertakes me again.  Today's Meditation: Today's Meditation II:

My mind's a weak thing. Too tired to think of the words. Time to go to sleep.  Thoughts: Goodnight, all.  Today's Meditation:

Patience with short pain, Like calm during a meltdown, Is hard to come by. Thoughts: Helping my child with writing an essay is taxing. I could do it in 1/10 the time, but they'd learn nothing.  So, like waiting for a toddler to "put my shoes on all by myself," I bear and forbear that they can learn. It's the best thing I can do for them. Today's Meditation:   Today's Meditation II:

Comfort and cookies. Hangars and timely escapes.  Run down the wilde road. Thoughts: Be interested in others.  Don't talk about myself or my trials.  Listen to them, understand them, help them. Care for them. Love them.  Today's Meditation: Today's Meditation II: Today's Meditation III:

Zombies invade dreams Frustration finding fam'ly. Friend rides into waves. Thoughts: Long, involved, forgotten. Isn't that how most dreams are?  It was set in an early-zombie apocalypse world, the kind where people are still panicking and the gov't still thinks they can win. Looking for my wife and kids. Barricading a weird mall-type building. Watching my friend commit suicide by riding a motorcycle into a 100 ft wave. It was odd. Of all the things, watching my friend's suicide was an intensely Stoic moment.  First, it was very him. Didn't say goodbye, just did it. Giant wave coming in. Drove the bike out about 20 yards into the sea and calmly looked up as the wave crashed over him. I was quickly overwhelmed with grief watching the sea as it retreated, looking for any sign of my friend of more than 40 years.  There was none.  Then I considered what had happened. His family was gone. He'd nothing left. The world was dying and he couldn't change that. So he t...

My secret project — A slant against the wild winds — Is almost finished. Thoughts: I played some pickup games with my son this morning. Had some lunch. Talked to friends and family. Ready for a hockey game to start shortly. ( Update : the Good Guys™ won!)  It's been a good day today so far. And yet I think about bad things that could happen. Not in a middle-of-the-night can't-go-back-to-sleep sort of way, but deliberately, via  premeditatio malorum : I'm anticipating what could go wrong in my life that I may be ready to resist immediate impressions and instead act according to reason if something should happen. It's a comforting exercise for me. I feel better when I prepare like this because I know I'll be able to more effectively respond to unexpected, unwelcome events. And I'll be ready for a wider range of circumstances than before. So let the day bring what it may. I'm ready.  Today's Meditation: Today's Meditation II:

Lets go. Follow me. In dark running with wild things.  Be joyful today! Thoughts: I took my sons to an event tonight. Mrs. Student brought them up to my office then, after work, we went to skate with the local NHL team's mascot, take some pictures, get some autographs, a free glow-in-the-dark practice puck, and a cupcake.  It was a lot of fun and we had a good time . . . all because I used my reason to practice patience and to refuse to assent to the thousand or so murderous impulses I experienced before it all started.  You know how, when something little goes wrong and it irks you? Then another thing screws up and it bugs you? And a third thing brings it up to actual annoyance? And the seventeenth things makes you want to ram people with your car, consequences be damned?  Yeah. In the hour and a half between when I got off work and the event started, everything that could go wrong did. Nothing in and of itself was too bad. Added together? I wanted to yell and scre...

Playing mind games and Surrendering high-grade chances. And stopping answers. Thoughts: What am I good at?  Where do I overestimate my abilities?  Honest assessment is important. Overconfidence can be dangerous. But undervaluing my talents leads to missed opportunities and  dangers of other sorts.  Today's Meditation: Today's Meditation II: